somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
