BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
