I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
