Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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