It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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