So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
