even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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