I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
