I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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