I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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