What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
tell me about the fingering
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