hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
