You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
