I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
