For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
