oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
one might say we're banned from that church
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
