she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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