My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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