You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
