Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I party with great urgency now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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