dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
