You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
