I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
