kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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