I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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