I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
