I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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