Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
