You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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