There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
