he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
