I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
