I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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