Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
