had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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