you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
