I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
