Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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