i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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