I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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