Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
