i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
