Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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