remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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