haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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