He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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