We're facebook friends in real life
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
