birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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