I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
