weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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