this beer tastes like vomit already
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize