Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sext me about skeletons
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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