Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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