I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
