I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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