Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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