At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
